You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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