I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I look excited, but its just a facade.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
