So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
