someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
