Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
So many bounce houses so little time
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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