you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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