You smell like a Billy Joel song
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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