It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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