my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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