i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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