You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
