I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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