Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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