ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
