All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
someone threw a dead crab at me
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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