Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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