I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
In America we eat man semen.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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