dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
