the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
