It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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