The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
