I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
