Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Someone came in the potted fern
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
