the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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