So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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