he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
