last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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