Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I need a beard to bite.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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