just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
