I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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