high people should be assigned attendants
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Randomize
