I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
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