Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
