I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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