She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Vodka?
Forever.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
