if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
