you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Randomize
