I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
