She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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