you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
