I heard we made out
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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