Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Did I show you my penis last night?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
