You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
