just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
