No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
