we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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