Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Randomize
