Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
