so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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