she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
