Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
