Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
